New Year, New Guilt

I want to be a writer. Mostly so I can sit around and drink tea and read blogs without chastisement from my partner and mother about not doing anything with my life. Even so, at least a bit of is I think I have something to say that is worthwhile for the attention of the universe. I am not sure if that something is fiction or nonfiction. I am sure I could manage one of those schmaltzy books about how I overcame disability and you can too books (possibly by fudging the somewhat mundane details of my current situation) only really, we don't need anymore of those. And I am neither cheerful enough about my future nor frankly have I done anything to remark about yet.

The only way I am going to become a writer is if I write. This seems obvious. I have been telling people (when asked what I am doing with my life) that I am going to start blogging and do all this stuff with food politics. And I haven't. I end up feeling guilty about the blog when it barely exists in the first place. I get in such and ugly state of mind about "needing" to write that I don't out of shear spite (I am incredibly obstinate, but almost never in a useful manner). I am a good writer when it gets down to it. I grew up reading a lot and so know what sounds good and I am articulate enough in general that I rather enjoy speaking publicly. at the same time, I struggle with writing a lot, partially because I spell really badly (to the point where i reduce my vocabulary significantly from what I would use speaking) which sticks up my thought flow, but mostly it comes from not being confident in my thoughts and ideas. My difficulty then, is how do I express myself while fighting this fear of exposure? I have been able to write poetry before, and enjoyed it, and I believe that has to due with the very free flowing spoken word style I like. When it comes to research, while I was in school I never felt that i knew what I was supposed to do, and so ended up fighting papers and concepts until I ran out of time. I probably should have failed a wonderful class for that reason, and in general I am disappointed in my academic achievement. Really, the grades weren't the thing (I didn't do that bad gradewise, though I am sure I could have made all A's if I had cared to, which frankly wasn't my top priority)I guess I want to redeem myself from the critics in my head. (Do you think there could be more I statements in this?)

(you know, I'd have an easier time explaining myself if I didn't need to chase the dog every ten seconds when he steals things. but he is leaving soon and I will miss him.)

The point of all this is, I need to start writing regularly to get into the habit. And I am never going to get there, if writing is contingent on healthy eating or whatever. So for a while, I will try to write. Everyday. Nearly everyday? It just wont be strictly about food. (probably healthier anyway, I am making myself sick thinking about food all the time. more on that later.) And that's OK, because I want to understand myself and to be able to work with my ability to talk about my self infinitely (without boring my friends to tears) instead of in spite of my terminal laziness.
we shall see.

on the subject though, i need to eat less cheese because my stomach hurts. just like it always does. but tea makes me happy, particularly jasmine tea. but there really isn't anything like cheese and crackers. the dog likes it too. i couldn't stand the idea of cooking, even though i got really nice eggs yesterday. after vacation it has been nothing but take out. and even i am tiring of Cesar salads.

i was going to comment about new year's resolutions, but i am tire after all of those words exploding out of me. maybe more later.