New Year, New Guilt

I want to be a writer. Mostly so I can sit around and drink tea and read blogs without chastisement from my partner and mother about not doing anything with my life. Even so, at least a bit of is I think I have something to say that is worthwhile for the attention of the universe. I am not sure if that something is fiction or nonfiction. I am sure I could manage one of those schmaltzy books about how I overcame disability and you can too books (possibly by fudging the somewhat mundane details of my current situation) only really, we don't need anymore of those. And I am neither cheerful enough about my future nor frankly have I done anything to remark about yet.

The only way I am going to become a writer is if I write. This seems obvious. I have been telling people (when asked what I am doing with my life) that I am going to start blogging and do all this stuff with food politics. And I haven't. I end up feeling guilty about the blog when it barely exists in the first place. I get in such and ugly state of mind about "needing" to write that I don't out of shear spite (I am incredibly obstinate, but almost never in a useful manner). I am a good writer when it gets down to it. I grew up reading a lot and so know what sounds good and I am articulate enough in general that I rather enjoy speaking publicly. at the same time, I struggle with writing a lot, partially because I spell really badly (to the point where i reduce my vocabulary significantly from what I would use speaking) which sticks up my thought flow, but mostly it comes from not being confident in my thoughts and ideas. My difficulty then, is how do I express myself while fighting this fear of exposure? I have been able to write poetry before, and enjoyed it, and I believe that has to due with the very free flowing spoken word style I like. When it comes to research, while I was in school I never felt that i knew what I was supposed to do, and so ended up fighting papers and concepts until I ran out of time. I probably should have failed a wonderful class for that reason, and in general I am disappointed in my academic achievement. Really, the grades weren't the thing (I didn't do that bad gradewise, though I am sure I could have made all A's if I had cared to, which frankly wasn't my top priority)I guess I want to redeem myself from the critics in my head. (Do you think there could be more I statements in this?)

(you know, I'd have an easier time explaining myself if I didn't need to chase the dog every ten seconds when he steals things. but he is leaving soon and I will miss him.)

The point of all this is, I need to start writing regularly to get into the habit. And I am never going to get there, if writing is contingent on healthy eating or whatever. So for a while, I will try to write. Everyday. Nearly everyday? It just wont be strictly about food. (probably healthier anyway, I am making myself sick thinking about food all the time. more on that later.) And that's OK, because I want to understand myself and to be able to work with my ability to talk about my self infinitely (without boring my friends to tears) instead of in spite of my terminal laziness.
we shall see.

on the subject though, i need to eat less cheese because my stomach hurts. just like it always does. but tea makes me happy, particularly jasmine tea. but there really isn't anything like cheese and crackers. the dog likes it too. i couldn't stand the idea of cooking, even though i got really nice eggs yesterday. after vacation it has been nothing but take out. and even i am tiring of Cesar salads.

i was going to comment about new year's resolutions, but i am tire after all of those words exploding out of me. maybe more later.

The best laid schemes and all that...

So the state of the experiment? Well not quite total disaster. I have eaten a lot, too much, good food here, and have even cooked some very good organic meals. I spent scads of money at the amazing farmer's market, and then spoiled it when I bought too much... I I also have no money from eating out too often and feel dreadful these days, though some of that is just life and unavoidable stress. Dude, being an adult sucks and is too expensive. I am done now thanks.

I need a job. But i am too tired to imagine it. Maybe this week I will clean the fridge.

And so I am supposed to get married in the fall. which is really great, but now I really have to get on this healthy eating thing. Because I am incredibly vain. Thanks Cultural conditioning. An dby that I surely I mean I want to start a new chapter of life fresh, right? Umhmm!

More Sleep. Don't let myself get so hungry that naughty boyfriend can tempt me into going out. Chill out. Stay warm. Buy less food. I am all about ambitious goals here.

Really In This Thing Now.

My first video, be nice.

Here is our baby! Feel free to show any and all, just credit us: Abbie, Gabriela, and I. Also I would highly recommend all of the other Environmentalism in Early America class videos, from 2005 and 2008, located at: http://class.guilford.edu/psci/kdell/documentaries.htm

Today is the day.

I have been nerving up to do this for six months or so by now, but I am ready. I really want to become a "real" blogger, one where I write about real things- things that matter- rather than say my boring social life. I am reading, and thinking, excessively about FOOD. It is getting entirly out of hand, and so before i work myslef into an eating disorder, I want to do something constructive with this knowlege, and concern.

My last semester in school, I worked on a documentary about organic food in Greensboro, NC, where our school is. At least, thats what we tried to illustrate. It turned out to be more complicated than we thought it would be... I will post the video before long so the world can see it.

In two weeks, I am moving away from home to my first apartment with my lovely boyfriend. We are moving to Carrboro, NC, which is an awesome city and will be great. One of the nicest parts is Weaver Street Market, a co-op organic market right nearby. This means that I will have an easy, not outrageously expensive supply of healthy food, environmentally conscious household products, and will be supporting alternative business models. to say i am happy about this is an understatement! I hope to drastically increase my health by eating fresh, safe, nutritious food. on the other hand, I do not have a job, nor will I for a while.

So my experiment is born. I want to spend the next year of my life learning how to live sustainable. I don't just mean being environmentally sensitive, or by recycling, though obviously those are both important parts of the puzzle. What I really want is to find the intersection of healing the world while sustaining myself. Both physically and spiritually, I feel stuck but I feel there is a breakthrough waiting behind all this. I want ( and I will get around to dealing with so many "i wants" at a later date, let's not get ahead of ourselves) to live my values. I need to ground myself in who I am and bring my life into balance. My integrity is at stake. Who am I to tell anyone else to do as I say, not as I do? I have no excuse large enough to allow this to get worse. Being disabled does not mean I don't have to care, In fact I think i need to care rather a great deal more about the health of my environment and consciousness. I am committing myself to actually be the change I want to see in the world. This quote of Gandhi's was the motto of Guilford, and has really become part of me, and however far I go from that wonderful, frustrating, undefinable place, this idea will never leave me.

I don't know exactly what i want this year to look like. some things i want to see happen include: eating as much local, organic, and seasonable food as I possibly can, spending money in line with my resources and needs, and reducing my impact on this poor old world. I will figure thing out later. right now i feel like a burden has been lifted simply by getting this first post out. And so, I will try to write something, anything everyday as I begin this journey.

and on that hippie dippie note, I am going to go pack for a while, and be further horrified at how much crap I have. Yay...

First!

This will be something. Just not yet.