I cannot figure out how to put all of the swirling thoughts in my head into words. I guess I am just tired.

Pizza and coffee was a great breakfast, and then I made egg salad for lunch. I didn't drink nearly enough today. I did clean up the garden and cut a bunch of lettuce which made a really nice dinner. I grew dinner! Feels so good.

Thats all I got.

Sunday Night Nostalgia

I could do with this weekend going on a bit more. I did manage to leave the house for the first time since Tuesday evening. It will take a week of so, but I am adjusting to the cold weather a bit. I always want summer, but I guess it is after the first week of November already.

Did the dishes and a load of laundry, and cleaned much of the horrible refrigerator. Cooked up the greens that were getting old, and while they were delicious, it is distressing how small the whole bag cooks down into. Tomorrow I hope to clean the fridge the rest of the way and harvest the lettuce in the garden. And someday I intend to worry about something that matters.

I have had a good couple of happy calm days where I feel like getting stuff done- what a welcome change. Sleeping so much this week has done wonders. But with this new blanket I run the risk of never getting out of bed again. So warm and cozy.

Today I ate yogurt and coffee for breakfast, and chili with some crackers for lunch and dinner. Yes those meals took place five or so hours later than they ought to have, but thats how I roll. Also had a serving of greens, M&M's and wine. Those are important food groups. Now I intend to eat more of that crazy desert from yesterday. I didn't make it so I doesn't count! Tomorrow I will try fruit. It is so hard to get the right amount of everything!

Not quite there actually.

Man what a day. Did more than usual, mostly to keep away from chris. Ahh marriage. We are almost to six months, and it both feels like five minutes and six million years. Its been a heckuva month or so. But we are ending the day happy, and a bit tipsy- and that is the important part right? Hell. I just don't know what to do, there doesn't seem to be any way to figure it out. I need a therapist. Or really I need a nanny to take care of us. I did manage to keep it cool today though, only a bit of crying and on really nasty thing said. I think I feel calm, strangely. It is so hard to tell if your emotions are different that before or not. Nothing like conducting experiments in your own head. Hormones don't stay in order.

I have a new down comforter to sleep under tonight and that makes it all better. And the dishes are done, and the bathroom and kitchen are passable, and the bills are paid. That feels good. Now just to finish the thank you notes and make the house presentable before my dad visits later in the week.

I think I am starting to get into this writing thing again. Doing it with no pressure is making it way easier. I just struggle with just writing what I think, but my typing has improved enough that I can keep up a bit.

My eating was all over the place, and I ate a lot now that I am feeling healthy again. Coffee and cheese tortellini for breakfast at 2pm, than mint tea later. Dinner was amazing and should earn me a thousand points- salad with lettuce I grew myself! Next was veggie chili and brown rice. Everything organic and the salad was local. It felt good. I did have my cranberry juice (trying to drink this everyday) So all was good. And then I had wine and some sort of brownie/pudding dessert. Oops. But I feel so relaxed now.

Nearly there

I feel nearly better now.

Had enough energy/disgust built up to do some laundry and dishes. Hell I even took a shower and will sleep on clean sheets tonight. Don't discount the little things that feel so nice. When I take over the world I will have that everyday. But for now, this is enough.

I have broken through the confusion and emotional pain. I feel really peaceful now. Maybe I'll be up to going outside tomorrow. I can't hide all winter, much as I would like to.

We had to cover the garden tonight, it is supposed to freeze and while I think they will be ok, I don't want to lose my sweet little lettuces. I have to harvest them in the next few days and I think it might hurt a bit after fussing over them so long. I like tomatoes and thing like that better where you don't cut the whole thing. I feel silly.

Cereal with almond milk, yogurt, and veggie pizza. Lots of tea, as always, and diluted cranberry juice, which I rather like. It's been worse.

Overloaded- system failure

Rough night last night and today has been the same. You never get sick when the house is clean and there is easy food. I can't even find my favorite sweatpants. Sad Face.

Chris was sick yesterday and I had it by the end of the evening and now i just feel lousy. After

this weird emotionally exhausting month, I think we just gave out. So no Indianapolis thank the gods. I really hope we can use this weekend to reconnect and recover. So I went back to bed for most of the day and am counting the minutes til chris gets back so i can go to bed.

I just want orange juice.

Why am I in this room?

Hmm, maybe I should eat a vegetable today. Probably should have had more for dinner last night than candy and yogurt. Nah.

This weekend is going to be rough. In several ways. But I'll buy a bunch of snacks which should help a bit. Conference food is never good, cheap or easy, more so when one of us can't have gluten and the other doesn't eat meat. add in no refrigeration and you end up with chocolate and bannans. Which come to think of it doesn't sound so bad.

At the very least we are driving with cool people rather than flying.

I need a hug. And someone to make me dinner.

My god it is only Tuesday. Throw me a bone universe.

I shouldn't tempt the gods.

November

My life has been upended since February.

I wanted to do National Novel Writing Month, but I just cannot fathom that kind of brain power and discipline in the state I am in. Not now, not yet.

So instead I will just try to write something here every day this month and see what happens.

This time of year is hard, but exquisitely beautiful. North Carolina has its faults but the weather is not one of them. Clear light and blue skies. I still struggle with depression every year about now. I have spent all summer outside, but now I just want to hibernate. I am doing ok with it now, but I need more sleep and vitamins to hold up.

We are going to Indianapolis for a conference this week. It isn't warm there. I need to pull out my down coat that makes me look like a marshmallow. I guess holloween will be a bit late... speaking of which, peanut M&Ms are delicious. And we had no trick or treaters this year so it is all mine.

Yeah healthy eating. About that.